I have Seen the End and it is Beginning Here

When you think about the end of the world you hate to think about it beginning in your home town. Unfortunately, I have seen the beginning of the end and it is beginning right here in the oldest inland city in the U S of A. I’m told there are many other communities laying claim to our title of oldest. I have meant to research it for some time but with the end so near I doubt I will.

I think the reason I’ve never found out where the true oldest inland city in the US is located is the only time I am reminded of it is when I enter my home town from the east. There is a sign on the edge of the city limits proclaiming we are number 1. Evidently, it isn’t so important that there are signs on the north, south or western entries into town so normally by the time I get home and could research it, I’ve forgotten. Now I don’t have time.

I’ve been thinking about the end of the world a fair amount lately. It might be because every time I turn on the History/Discovery/NatGeo Channel I am reminded that the Inca/Mayans/Aztecs ran out of numbers on their calendars 5000 years ago causing our impending doom in a couple months. Just because some ancient mathematician/astronomer/shaman couldn’t count beyond 2012 doesn’t portend death and destruction in my mind. Before last night I had thought we would last longer than their calendar.

Rarely does a day go by that I don’t receive an email from one of my more conservative friends urging me to consolidate all of my fundage into precious metals, stock up on Spam (that wonderfully delicious pork product, not the email I frequently complain about), freezers, solar panels, generators and arm myself to the teeth because the end is near. Unfortunately, none of these folks has explained why the end is near. Until last night I wasn’t stocking up. Now I’m reconsidering.

I often think about the end of the world when I see what our government is doing. I need more space than I have allotted here to describe why but the short version is that if our current administration totally screws the pooch, which they seem intent upon, our country may lose its world status as number one. We could wind up number two or three but that won’t destroy the world. That might not be so bad. The Swedes have a culture related to competition where it is more than okay to wind up second or third. Losers are not looked down upon and are actually held in high regard. They have a name for it but since the end is so near I don’t have time to find out what it is called. If it comes to the US being number 2 or 3 and we become more like Swedes I can think of worse places to live than in a country where the cars are designed by aeronautical engineers and the women are tall and leggy. This fate seems so much kinder than what I fear will happen now.

What has me concerned about our impending doom is the invasion that started yesterday in downtown Lancaster, PA. Of course, I am talking about the beardapocalypse. We have been invaded by a group of men and women (yes) who are here to have their facial hair judged. If ever there has been a sign that civilization is doomed it is people judging other people’s facial hair and then paying them for it. To prove the idiocy of this “competition” even more, the prizes are being furnished by Panasonic Shavers. Don’t get me wrong. I like beards. I’ve been sporting one for about 25 years now and intend to wear it to the day I die, which, unfortunately, appears to be imminent. By many accounts the final sign of the end of a civilization is the failure of its people to see what is happening. So people, here is your wake up call. What is happening is people are paying other people for the privilege of looking at their facial hair, financed by a company that sells shavers. The end is nigh.